Kolr
by WinnietheShit
Summary: A series of Darcy/Loki drabbles, concerning the procurement of a small feline by the name of Kolr and the misadventures involved thereupon. Mild language.
1. Chapter 1

"What in the nine realms is _that_?"

"It's a kitten." Darcy held up the offending mammal in question. "See?"

Loki sighed and stepped away from her outstretched arms. "I see that, thank you. Why do you have it?"

A wicked smile twisted Darcy's lips. Lips, incidentally, that Loki was having a hard time not focusing on. "It's for you."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I got you a kitten. Here, hold it!"

Loki let out a strangled sort of sound as Darcy deposited the kitten into his arms. "I don't - "

"He even kind of looks like you!"

"Forgive me if I disagree," Loki replied, his upper lip curling in disdain as he held the kitten up to eye level.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "No, dummy, he has your color scheme." She pointed to the feline's glossy black fur and mismatched eyes. "The gold and green, I mean."

"_That_ is hardly gold," Loki sniffed. The kitten blinked one yellow eye at him. "It is a mediocre attempt at gold at best."

"Whatever," said Darcy, throwing herself onto the couch. "Anyway, what are you going to name him?"

"I doubt it cares whether it has a name or not."

Darcy whirled around to face him, her eyes narrowed. "I don't think you heard me," she said, her voice low and menacing. "I said, what are you going to name him?"

Loki set his mouth into a hard line. "Fine," he said at last, sitting beside Darcy. He settled the cat into his lap. "Fine." Darcy reached over to pass a hand over the kitten's head. It began to purr and nuzzled Darcy's palm. "Freyja."

"That's a girl's name. He's a boy."

"Really?" Loki held the kitten up and peered closer at its lower body. "Ah. Then Jormungandr."

"Ew."

"Kolr."

Darcy opened her mouth as if to argue, and then stopped and tilted her head to the side, considering. "Hm. What's it mean?"

"Coal."

She snorted. "You're so unoriginal," she said, but did not press the matter further.

* * *

For some reason, I feel the need to incorporate kittens into all of my fanfictions. I think I have a problem. Before I know it, this is going to escalate into a fic the same scale as my "In Which Gold Rescues a Kitten" fic.

Oh dear lord, somebody stop me.

(I am such a diehard Loki/Darcy shipper. My ship name for them is Doki. Which is great, because they make my heart go doki doki.)


	2. Chapter 2

He takes the kitten with him to work. It sits on his shoulders and sometimes, if he's feeling generous, on his head, as he walks down the halls of SHIELD.

He hears whispers as he passes, not the usual kind, and he's not sure if he should be relieved that they've stopped gossiping about his inevitable return to _the dark side_ and instead about his kitten. After all, he was a king, and kings do not tote kittens around on their shoulders on a daily basis.

No one laughs, at the very least, not at him - although Thor does crack a smile the first time he sees Kolr, and his smile grows even wider when he hears the name.

"It is a most fitting title, brother, most fitting indeed!" Thor beams as Jane snatches the kitten from Loki's shoulder and cradles it to her chest.

"He's so cuddly!" she exclaims in surprise as Kolr buries his head in the crook of her elbow. She looks up at Loki, confusion etched into the lines of her brow. "Where'd you get him?"

"Darcy," he replies, frowning.

"Ah," says Jane, and she gives him a knowing sort of smile


	3. Chapter 3

"How in the nine realms are you supposed to _potty train_ a damned kitten? It's a _kitten_! It won't listen to me!"

"Well," said Darcy, shifting her cellphone to her other ear, "Have you tried the usual threats? You know, a curse upon your livestock, banishment from this realm in sight of gods and men, that sort of thing?"

Loki's sigh was so loud Darcy half-imagined she could feel a gust of wind against her neck - although, knowing Loki, that wasn't too unlikely. "Amusing. But how does one train a cat to conduct its business in the litter box? How? This wretched creature has a mind of its own!"

"Well, duh. I couldn't just get you a dog. They're too nice. Cats hate everybody. Korl - "

"Kolr."

" - is good for you. And shut up, how am I supposed to pronounce that right on my first try anyway?"

"It is hardly your first try. I have had the cat for a week and you have alternated between the mispronunciations of Coal and Korl. I'm beginning to wonder if you're doing it on purpose."

Darcy rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see. "Just, I dunno, Google it or something."

Loki was silent for a moment. "Google it. You expect me to use _Google_?"

"Well, if you're so _smart_, why don't you figure it out yourself? Oh, that's right, 'cos you _can't_. So stop being a baby and Google that shit. Jesus."

"No, no," he said mildly, "Just Loki - _oh, not again!_ He's urinating on the carpet! This is the eighth time"

"Just pick him up and move him to the litter box then!"

"I will not be putting my hand anywhere near that thing, not while it's relieving itself."

"_Stop whining and do something about it_!" Darcy thought she heard the faint sound of a _snap_, and then Loki breathed a sigh of relief.

"Problem solved."

"With magic?"

"What do you think?"

Darcy frowned. "Dude, if I come over there and you feed me kitty-cat-stew, I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to you."

"How charming," he replied, sounding oddly delighted, "And Jane wonders why you haven't any suitors.


	4. Chapter 4

There were times when Loki felt nothing but pure, unadulterated joy. Turning Kolr into a panther and setting him loose inside the Avengers Tower was one of those times. He was actually quite proud of the spell. Turning a kitten into a panther was easy enough, but making sure that Kolr felt no difference and behaved the same way he'd have behaved if he'd remained his original, natural size.

It was a bit of genius, really, as Kolr was more likely to wreak havoc when he was unaware of the amount of damage he could really cause.

Darcy disagreed.

"He _peed_ in Tony's _lab_ - HE'S A FULL GROWN PANTHER, AND HE PEED IN TONY STARK'S LAB!"

Loki dodged the paperweight she'd chucked at his head.

"I HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP. I'M THE INTERN. THAT'S MY JOB. THANKS A LOT, ASSHOLE." She lifted a stapler off the desk, presumably to throw it at Loki's head as well, but Loki snapped his fingers and disappeared from her hand.

He rolled his eyes. "I'll clean it up before anyone asks you to." He smirked. "I just want to see the look on Tony's face when he realizes just how strong the scent of panther urine can be. Satisfied?"

"No."

"Would you like to throw another paperweight?"

"_Yes_."

"Would it be suitable if I made a double of myself for you to throw the paperweight at?"

"… _No_. It needs to be the real thing."

Loki sighed. "Very well. Do your worst."

Darcy chucked another paperweight, and beamed until she realized that the paperweight had gone straight through Loki's head. "You little _sneak_!" The double disappeared, and Loki's voice echoed around the room.

"Well, they don't call me the God of Lies for _nothing_."

* * *

Hey guys, sorry this took so long!

Well, anyway, rate and review and all that jazz, disco, and swing. As always, I hope you enjoyed it and have a fantastic day!


	5. Chapter 5

Kolr is missing.

Which, really, isn't too big of a problem, as he's gone missing a number of times before, but Loki is beginning to worry. It has been over two hours, and while there is only so much distance Kolr can cover in the Avengers Tower, some of that distance might include one of the labs, and Loki shudders (or would have shuddered, had he been any man other than himself) to think of what could happen to a kitten surrounded by various acidic concoctions.

After some (most certainly _not _frantic, ahem) searching, he comes across a most peculiar sight -

Natasha, sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning forward so that her hair dangles enticingly in front of Kolr before she leans away, pulling her hair out of his reach.

Loki debates walking into the room and interrupting them, but when he has just decided to walk away, Natasha calls out without looking up, "I sort of kidnapped him for a while, hope you don't mind."

Loki clears his throat and steps into the room. "Please, feel free to do it more often. In fact, keep him if you like. I've been needing an excuse to get rid of him for weeks, and Darcy will hardly protest if _you_ take him."

"Very funny," she replies, lifting Kolr in the air above her head and humming something that sounds suspiciously like "The Circle of Life".

Loki bites back a smile, and when Natasha puts Kolr down and chases him around the room on all fours, complete with sound effects and dramatic faked deaths, he quietly asks JARVIS to take a video.

* * *

AAGH sorry this took so long, guys!

i mostly end up writing these when i'm procrastinating on writing another fic i'm working on, and vice versa, so...


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